Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The feeling of being alone........

Ok guys it’s me again and I would like to thank everyone who has been reading my blog so far. I know I said I was going to post every day but you guys know how life can consume you… Anyways today I had a urge to write about one of current mind states and I think it’s a period that a lot of people go thru whether they are an athlete or not.

Right now during this time I am feeling alone…… I feel like I have a few people in my corner but something is missing there is an emptiness that I cant really explain. I get up daily and I approach my days like a man on a mission but I feel like there is something missing.

Recently I had been battling my thoughts about myself and it was beating me down pretty bad. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it for the fear that someone may have thought I was crazy. I had been trying to cover up the way I feel by going away and going out with friends. All a while I wasn’t really feeling like myself. Yes I still smiled and told jokes and I still was around but lately I just haven’t been ALL the way there. I have been feeling down and out and like I just didn’t matter to anyone (besides my mother and sister).  I decided to get on the Internet and look up depression. I looked up signs of depression. When I seen the symptoms I was a little shocked. All of the symptoms listed except for one where how I had been feeling as of late.

This is what I read

What are symptoms of depression?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

· Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

· Fatigue and decreased energy

· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

· Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

· Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

· Irritability, restlessness

· Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

· Overeating or appetite loss

· Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

· Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

· Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

The only feeling I hadn’t had was the suicidal thoughts… That NEVER crossed my mind.  I’ve found myself having to talk to my mother a lot and it’s been helping over the past few days. I been working out hard and in fact I even jogged a little two days ago… THANK GOD. Most of all I’ve been in heavy prayer and meditation. I know that god would not put more on me than I can bear and I also know that what ever demons I feel are trying to cloud my mind that god will make sure I am always able to see clear of them. I know that the easy way out of this would be to just give up. It’s harder for a man to fight than it is for him to just lie down in the time of battle. I’m a fighter and I know that a lot of other people out there are fighters too. I know that this blog may not make sense to a lot of people but I am almost 100% positive that there is someone else out there feeling alone and depressed. Who ever you are just remember that in the times when you feel alone or that no one care about you or that you are the only person who bad things seem to keep happening too there is someone there with you. There is a person there guiding you and trying to help you through your trying time. We all have slumps we as human beings just have to figure out what we are going to do to stay sane and driven while in that slump and we must know what we are going to do when we get out of the slump and who we will thank for helping us. God has been very present in my life and I know that because of him I will be ok and so will you…

You cant keep a fighter down…. I’ll fall 9 times but I guarantee I will get up 10!!!

To help myself say upbeat and happy I have been going to the baby gator daycare center here at the University of Florida campus. I was only supposed to go one day last week as an observer for a class I am taking here at UF but when I went my first day I met a kid name Ralphie. Ralphie had been having some very tough days at baby gator and every day he would get a red sticker to show that he wasn't having a good day. Green was good yellow was ok and red was bad. I was in the classroom when his mom came to pick him up and the look on her face when she seen that he had gotten another red sticker was heartbreaking. I talked to Ralphie because I could see that his mom was running out of thoughts and she looked exhausted. I told him if he had 3 green days in a row I would bring him some cheetos and a Gatorade. I love cheetos and Gatorade so I figured a five year old would like it too.  I made sure I made it on time everyday for the next few days to check in with Ralphie his teachers always told me he was asking for me and it gave me joy =everyday to see the young man trying his best and actually having green days. He had three consecutive green days and I held up my end of the bargain. His mom was happy he was happy his teacher was happy and I even cracked a smile. It was a great experience. A little help from you can go a long way. 

Disclaimer… If you know anyone dealing with depression don’t take it lightly it’s a very serious thing. It’s a mental state that a person really can’t control. Help them or help them to seek help. You’re not crazy if you talk to a psychologist or whomever it is you need to talk to. 


  1. The Ralphie Story was a BIG UPS "T" ...keep doin what your doing & remember to keep God first.

  2. I don't know you but after reading this story, I can tell that you are a great and sensitive person, even though you try to hide it. Remember that you are not alone ( I feel like that sometimes too) Keep it up!