Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The feeling of being alone........

Ok guys it’s me again and I would like to thank everyone who has been reading my blog so far. I know I said I was going to post every day but you guys know how life can consume you… Anyways today I had a urge to write about one of current mind states and I think it’s a period that a lot of people go thru whether they are an athlete or not.

Right now during this time I am feeling alone…… I feel like I have a few people in my corner but something is missing there is an emptiness that I cant really explain. I get up daily and I approach my days like a man on a mission but I feel like there is something missing.

Recently I had been battling my thoughts about myself and it was beating me down pretty bad. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it for the fear that someone may have thought I was crazy. I had been trying to cover up the way I feel by going away and going out with friends. All a while I wasn’t really feeling like myself. Yes I still smiled and told jokes and I still was around but lately I just haven’t been ALL the way there. I have been feeling down and out and like I just didn’t matter to anyone (besides my mother and sister).  I decided to get on the Internet and look up depression. I looked up signs of depression. When I seen the symptoms I was a little shocked. All of the symptoms listed except for one where how I had been feeling as of late.

This is what I read

What are symptoms of depression?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

· Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

· Fatigue and decreased energy

· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

· Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

· Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

· Irritability, restlessness

· Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

· Overeating or appetite loss

· Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

· Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

· Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

The only feeling I hadn’t had was the suicidal thoughts… That NEVER crossed my mind.  I’ve found myself having to talk to my mother a lot and it’s been helping over the past few days. I been working out hard and in fact I even jogged a little two days ago… THANK GOD. Most of all I’ve been in heavy prayer and meditation. I know that god would not put more on me than I can bear and I also know that what ever demons I feel are trying to cloud my mind that god will make sure I am always able to see clear of them. I know that the easy way out of this would be to just give up. It’s harder for a man to fight than it is for him to just lie down in the time of battle. I’m a fighter and I know that a lot of other people out there are fighters too. I know that this blog may not make sense to a lot of people but I am almost 100% positive that there is someone else out there feeling alone and depressed. Who ever you are just remember that in the times when you feel alone or that no one care about you or that you are the only person who bad things seem to keep happening too there is someone there with you. There is a person there guiding you and trying to help you through your trying time. We all have slumps we as human beings just have to figure out what we are going to do to stay sane and driven while in that slump and we must know what we are going to do when we get out of the slump and who we will thank for helping us. God has been very present in my life and I know that because of him I will be ok and so will you…

You cant keep a fighter down…. I’ll fall 9 times but I guarantee I will get up 10!!!

To help myself say upbeat and happy I have been going to the baby gator daycare center here at the University of Florida campus. I was only supposed to go one day last week as an observer for a class I am taking here at UF but when I went my first day I met a kid name Ralphie. Ralphie had been having some very tough days at baby gator and every day he would get a red sticker to show that he wasn't having a good day. Green was good yellow was ok and red was bad. I was in the classroom when his mom came to pick him up and the look on her face when she seen that he had gotten another red sticker was heartbreaking. I talked to Ralphie because I could see that his mom was running out of thoughts and she looked exhausted. I told him if he had 3 green days in a row I would bring him some cheetos and a Gatorade. I love cheetos and Gatorade so I figured a five year old would like it too.  I made sure I made it on time everyday for the next few days to check in with Ralphie his teachers always told me he was asking for me and it gave me joy =everyday to see the young man trying his best and actually having green days. He had three consecutive green days and I held up my end of the bargain. His mom was happy he was happy his teacher was happy and I even cracked a smile. It was a great experience. A little help from you can go a long way. 

Disclaimer… If you know anyone dealing with depression don’t take it lightly it’s a very serious thing. It’s a mental state that a person really can’t control. Help them or help them to seek help. You’re not crazy if you talk to a psychologist or whomever it is you need to talk to. 

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Everything Happens for a Reason.......

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8.28

Been back in Gainesville since Sunday and been at work since I’ve been back. I’m trying to get back to where I was I am determined to get back where I was... I will get back to where I was and I will exceed that point. 

This week is one that I have had to approach with a sense of determination and I have had to put blinders on to what everyone else is doing around me. This week is the week of the Indoor World Championships and the week of NCAA indoor championships. It’s tough to look at this stuff and watch because last year I competed at one of the meets and this year I had hopes to compete at the other meet. Instead I’m not at either meet. It’s ok though. I’m a firm believer in the saying Everything Happens for a reason. I believe in it so much because its been a way of life that I have been forced to live by.

Check This Out
In high school I only ran track during my senior year. I was going to go to school to play football at Villanova University because football was my passion and what I wanted to do. I ran track for a REASON that I didn’t understand until the end of July when I was enrolled at Villanova. I was there at school taking classes and working out with my new football team I was 17-year-old freshman. I got in some trouble there and I was Wrongfully accused of participating in a sexual assault at the school during one weekend there. I was bought to the school police station and asked to fill out a statement and I was kept there for a little while before being let go. I was trespassed from campus and a few days later the university rescinded my scholarship. That was done before a charge was ever filed against me and it was upheld even after NO CHARGE was ever filed. I had to go home and I had to come up with another plan. I could either wait and enroll in school somewhere else in January and play football or I could go to school in the upcoming fall to run track. THINGS HAPPEN for a REASON.

By the grace of God I was given a chance at The University of Florida and the rest of that story is history. I had to dig deep since I recently got hurt and try to remember why I believe that everything happens for a reason. If that wasn’t the case and god didn’t have my back I never would have got a shot and if I didn’t get another shot I wouldn’t be here today writing this blog to you all ….

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Day 2.......

Today I am taking a different approach to my rehab. I chose to leave Gainesville for the weekend to just get away. I'll do what I can to rehab but right now I have to rehab my mind. 

It’s the weekend leading into spring break here at UF and I think this break is well needed for me and all of my peers. At times the stresses of school, track, regular life can be overbearing and you really just need a break from it all.

So this weekend I am taking a trip.  This blog is going to be kind of a tell all about myself Id like to think of myself as an example so I don’t have a problem telling my story!!!

I grew up in a single parent home and was raised by all women. I was raised to be a leader and to be the man of the house. There was minimal contact between my father and I... let me not say minimal there was NO contact. For as long as I can think back me and him did not have any contact whatsoever. I went through elementary, middle, high school and almost completed college before my father and I were able to meet up with each other and discuss the problems and how we were going to fix them. There have been times when I have been angry and times where I have been sad about what was going on between me and my father or shall I say WHAT WAS NOT going on between me and my father. I always felt like I did something to make him turn his back on me.  No matter how much my dad didn't talk to me I always had a soft spot for him. Even though he has never seen a report card of mine or until recently had never seen me play any sports I still had a big soft spot for the guy. It’s not explainable. I have an older brother whom I just met for the first time in 2011 and I have a younger brother who I met but we never had much contact. In August of 2011 we all stood in the same house at the same time for the 1st time in my 22 years of life. It was the first time I ever got to hear the story of my fathers drug addiction told in all its truth. He is a strong guy. He was down and out for over ten years because of the drugs and now he’s been clean for ten years It’s a moment that I will never forget

Since august we have all be making an effort to talk and to schedule visits to see one another. That’s where I’m headed to this weekend. I think going there this weekend is going to give me a chance to take my mind off my leg and to just be in a comfortable place. Not to mention it’s a pretty busy weekend in Charlotte sooooo I should be fine there. 

I think that it is important to be able to take a step back from your everyday life and get away at times. Not run away from your problems but take a step back and reevaluate what exactly is going on. I’m in pain as I type this but the pain is ok because I know it wont always be there and that I’m about to board my flight to go to a place where I can imagine that the pain doesn't exist.

A good place to end today’s blog would be with this text I received while I was sitting here writing this. 

If this did not speak to what I am going through right now I dont know what will!!! Thank you Michelle!!! 

And im GONE!!!!!